I have one of those feelings. I think it's jealousy. I always get this tight knot in my stomach when I'm jealous of something. Not someone. I'm not talking about someone who has the latest gadget that society tells us we should because of stupidly severe marketization.
But I guess it is also one of those stupid gut feelings. It's always when I hear a frigging great song by a band I love. Or watch a brilliant performance by actors who I just admire. I'm talking about this becasue I am watching 'Lynn Hirschberg's Screen Tests' on youtube. And I am just sitting here, admiring these people who I don't know, and probably will never know, just like 'Wow. Wow I want to be this.'
It's the same old thing, isn't it? Young kid. Wanting the public eye. Performing in front of millions. So people can watch interviews of you and think to themselves 'Wow. Wow I want to be this.' But the odd thing is, when it comes to playing music, I don't want my aim to be millions.I want to be in one of those bands who would have been around for ten years and still be playing modest places like Brixton and Shepereds Bush. Quite the difference eh?
And what set this up today was that the first screen test I watched was Jesse Eisenberg, who I am a huge fan of. I guess I am part of that recent circle of Jesse fans. I have a friend who is a real die hard Jesse fan. But the guy is like our generation's answer to Dustin Hoffman and Woody Allen. Not becasue they are jewish, even though with the examples I used I could probably see why people may think I think so, but because they were both great actors and director's and performers and writers. And Eisenberg is the kind of guy I love, who doesn't know what he can do and the gift he has got and what it does to people. I could watch 'Adventureland' over and over becasue it speaks to me. One guy. Doesn't think much of himself. Doesn't think he could ever get the girl. But he also has a fucking great circle of friends who are eccentric and do what the fuck they want because why should we give a shit what others think? And The Social Network is just sheer fucking brilliance. Eisenberg and Fincher should team up more often.
It's the same thing with any movie though, right? I love watching John Hughes films. I think those films are just fucking timeless. When I watch 'The Breakfast Club' I always get that tight feeling that started off this whole blog. And 'Pretty in Pink' is a great one as well. I want ducky to be my friend.
But then there is music. Music speaks to me as much as films do. I love acting. I'm currently an A2 college student doing Drama. And I love music and singing and writng music. Whenever I write a song that I think sounds half decent I always think to myself 'fuck, I wish I could show this to a fuckload of people. See what they think of it.' But I sometimes feel like I don't have anyone to show it too. Not because I am some self-pitying, 'one man against the world', rebel without a cause type of guy. It's becasue I feel like I am never going to get an opportunity to at least see where I could go with music or acting. I listen to an Alkaline Trio album (who, you should all know by now,I have a never-ending love for) And I watch Matt Skiba interviews and I get that same feeling as I do with Eisenberg. Two different role models but they are so similar too. Humble. Modest. Know they are lucky and just do what they love to do.
I honestly walk down the street sometimes, listening to my Ipod. And it doesnt matter if it is a Punk song, Elvis Presely, Musical Theatre (which anyone should love becasue it is pure fucking art!), or an irish song. I always find myself walking down the road, or on a bus, or a train, imagining myself with my guitar in my hand and I am blasting out a guitar riff and I am drowning myself in an audience. And it's the same with acting.
People might read this, and my earlier blogs, and think: 'If performing means so much to you, then why don't you really make it your whole life?' And the reason is I read too much in to the realism. I know I am going to love Univeristy and doing my chosen course, Sociology and Criminology. But I look at statistics of out of work actors and musicians and it scares the fuck out of me. I would love to be able to do both. Be in a punk rock band and be acting at the same time. I'd love to be able to hold a Grammy in one hand and an Oscar in the other. But I'm too scared to make it my whole life. And I'm too scared to put away the safety and throw myself in to the unknown. I over-analyse. What if I'm not good enough? What if I just get lost in the shadow of a statistic?
When I go to uni I'm going to try and start a band. I may also look for drama societies or local youth theatres. But I am scared. It would be fucking incredible to have people look at me, or watch an interview of me, and get the same tight knot in their gut that I got not ten minutes ago.
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