I've become far too complacent with my work at college at the moment. I should be doing work, being studious, preparing myself for the exam period ahead and psyching myself up for three years at university.
But instead I'm here blogging and listening to Alkaline Trio (as per usual), sitting in my college library doing borderline nout!
Why do I do this to myself?!? Seriously!?! I think I may have some condition that makes me obsessed with the drama of getting coursework in on time, and fitting in as much revision as possible. But I hate that feeling. I don't like panicking and worrying about the future and if I am going to get in to university. Only I can put in the right amount of work necessary to get into university.
So why aren't I?
Last night I was at home and thought to myself: 'I should do work. I should do work. I should REALLY do some work.'
What do I do? I play guitar.
And even that was dissapointing. I was sitting there for an hour just trying to find a good riff, listening out for something that might fit with something else. But to no avail lads and ladetts. I just found myself sitting there, frustrated at my lack of skill and knowledge of theory. I aspire to be a musician, but what is a musician without the skill necessary to be so? I have found myself feeling very loathsome at a lot as of late. This frustration at everything can't be at all healthy for myself and those around me. I find myself wanting to run to the nearest abandoned area and just scream and shout at the top of my lungs. I want to grab something breakable and throw it with all my strength. I'm acting out. I'm arguing with my friends and family. I'm crawling in to some sort of shell that I wasn't aware existed within me. But how can I expect people to listen if all I want to do is argue, fight, snap, bite, sneer, patronize and mock? All I am doing by letting out my frustration in such a negative way is hurting those who I could use to help. It's a cruel and vicious circle.
I need to find some sort of peace of mind. I need to stop this ridiculous and unproductive habit of procrastination and get my damn head in gear. Until then I am just going to let more and more build on top of me until I find myself drowing in the cold sea of academia, the deep bite of failure piercing my heart as I get results I know I'll regret, knowing I could have done more and didn't.
I apologise for this deeply depressing and apathetic post. However I fail to find anything positive in my current position. Take care and hope you, my beautiful strangers, are well.
